Dan Lopata

Live, Love, Listen

Where did the friendly Sky go?

Last Friday my oldest daughter got married. This wedding was a huge milestone. As a kid she went through many many struggles which included many trips to the hospital and tons of therapy. She is content with a full time job that she likes, a townhouse that suits her needs and found the perfect nerdy compliment to her and married him. My wife just posted a really nice picture of me with my kids at the wedding, but I can’t ‘like’ it. It’s missing one. It’s missing my youngest who was not able to attend. 

He is in the hospital battling similar stuff that my oldest battled. As an addition, he’s transgender which adds to the severe social anxiety he deals with. 

I miss him, I’m worried about him, I don’t know how to help him. Chances are good he’s going to a long-term inpatient program located an hour and a half away.

My heart, being filled with joy for my oldest is completely broken for my youngest.

I’m depressed, literally (I take meds and do therapy for it), and I’m lost.

Most of you know I’m also very much the activist for progressive causes; BLM, Gun Control, Economic parity, Universal Health Care, and LGBTQ rights. So when I’m dealing with my son I’m completely immersed in Transgender issues. When he came out, I swore that I would not let his gender identity consume me and become the primary signifier of my identity. That is impossible. 

Jeff Sessions has decried that gender identity is not a protected class and employers can fire people purely because they are trans. Trump has issued an E/O barring transgender persons from serving in the military. Bathroom bills are passing in states across the nation, further alienating my son and those who are gender non-binary. The suicide rate of transgender individuals is close to 50% and transgender individuals are murdered at a higher rate than any other class of people. Because they aren’t a protected class under Title VII or Title IX, their murderers cannot be charged with a hate crime.

The cards are stacked against him for simply being himself.

And there’s nothing I can do to make it better. There’s nothing I can do to make him better from the internal issues he deals with and there’s nothing I can do make it better for him externally.

The only thing I can do is talk about it, write about it, and try and educate people in order to help change the oppressive culture we live in.

It’s hard for me, it’s lonely for me, I can’t even fathom how hard and lonely it must be for him. 

Knowing all of this, you’d think it would be easy for me to call out offensive language and behavior toward minorities, women, and the LGBTQ community, but it’s not. The behavior is so ingrained and accepted in society it’s hard not to feel like “the bad guy”, “the over-reactor”, and guilty for calling people out. It’s hard for me, even when I’m so close to those being oppressed.

I need your help. I have no energy left. I need you to pick up the slack of calling out the language and behavior of repression while I focus on what’s best for my son. Can you help make the world better while I help make my son better?

All I want is for my kids to find contentment and comfort with being themselves like my oldest has. You can help.

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The irony of complaint

Emerging Trail

Yesterday I sat in the doctor’s office – going through my umpteenth visit trying to get a solution to the pain that is stopping me from running and I thought about our students here at school and the irony of my complaints.

Today is “ugly sweater day” at school. Many of our students don’t even have more than a few shirts, so purchasing an “ugly sweater” wasn’t something that would be an option. Sheila teaches ESOL so the students aren’t from here and did not even know what this meant. I went to visit the class, we pulled up examples of “ugly sweaters” on the smart board and the funniest thing happened.

The kids LOVED them. As in. “OOOH THAT’S BEAUTIFUL.” Excitement, not getting the fact that these were supposed to be something you would NEVER wear.

They LOVED this one They LOVED this one

Sheila had gone to Wegmans and they donated a…

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The irony of complaint

Yesterday I sat in the doctor’s office – going through my umpteenth visit trying to get a solution to the pain that is stopping me from running and I thought about our students here at …

Source: The irony of complaint

One way of breaking into the scene : Jam sessions:

It’s the 3rd Thursday of the month and I’m eating a late dinner between sets. And, although I’m in the house band, I get a little extra time to eat as another band has come to cut up a bit. It’s Meg Williams, who now resides in Nashville, with Danny Zeimann on Bass – Monster Jazz player working the international circuit but bass-ed (see what I did there?) in Rochester. Chris Vandenbos is also up there shredding even though he wasn’t officially part of their band, but he signed up to play so there he is knocking it down in style.

They are smoking hot! Danny’s playing makes me self-conscious about my own but I remember what I learned at a jam years ago at Smokin’ Joe’s on Lyell Ave :

The house band had just taken a break after playing ‘Aint No Sunshine’ in a reggae style that featured the late Ralph Ortiz shredding an insane bass solo as he always did. He sat down at the bar next to me and said, “So you’re opening the second set.”

My reply was, “I can’t follow that!”

He turned to me and said, “Dude, you’re a great player. You are not me, but you do what you do and you do it right. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else, just go up and play what makes sense with the tune in the way that YOU do it.”

I opened the second set with Standing on Shaky Ground which always featured Dave Barnes on a drum solo while the bassist just lays down a funky groove. It was all good!

Even though I still compare myself to others, that short conversation sticks with me, and sometimes I even get to deliver it to others now.

Back to dinner, I’m hanging with Steve West, Genesee Johnny, Gordon Munding, and a few other great finger-style / slide bluesmen just chatting about who’s playing where and exchanging info for subbing if someone needs a substitute bass player. Everything is chill.

jam session

Jamming at The Landing with Jimmy Gondoli, Ken Kahler, and the Legend Donny Mancuso
Photo Credit : Aaron Winters

Jam sessions are a great way to break in, to get to know cats, to develop your skill as a player with others (everything is different when you play with other people instead of just playing along with the record… er digital file… yeah I showed my age). They can serve as a free music lesson, especially when the house band is led by a consummate musician like Danny Schmidt (From the Shadows and from Gap Mangione’s Little Big Band) who can read a musician like a book in the first turn around and take where they’re at, and without saying a word, push them musically to the next level. They can also serve as what the stride pianist’s in the 1920’s and bluesmen on the street corners in Memphis called ‘Cutting Contests’.

Ken Kahler and I would show up Monday nights to the Clarissa Room open jam and hang at the bar with our Cokes and Ginger Ales until we got called up to play. We’d throw each other a look and say, “Throw Down!” We had been playing in power/rock blues trio for a decade and basically could read each other’s minds, so at a jam, where we had 2 or 3 tunes to work with and didn’t have to play to the conventions of a typically show, we took the opportunity to open up… HARD! Periodically we’d get the feedback that we were ‘too busy’ but there was no other rhythm section in town that could touch what we were doing. As a result of these jams, we got recommended by, I think it was John Tucker, to Chris Beard, and we spent a bit of time on the road with him (Ken much more time than me).

Now this may all seem like you need to be professional just to sit in at one of these. That is patently untrue. People of all skill levels show up at these. At the best jams, I won’t say that the house band plays to the level of the guest because sometimes that would destroy the music, but the house band plays in a way that complements the level of the guest and makes them sound good to great. These jams are typically hosted by cats that have been on the scene for a long time, and in the style of an Art Blakey, or Miles Davis, or any of the old jazz and blues greats, use the opportunity as a lesson to the players that show up.

Furthermore, these jams are not just limited to blues and jazz, although blues jams are a decent starting point because of standard chord progressions. You can find folk, rock, soul, blues, jazz jams all over the place.

Here are a few that I particularly enjoy:

Jazz:

Monday nights at the Pythod with the Tony Hiler Trio. This is a serious jam with serious cats that know their jazz book and have chops. I can hang but I’m certainly not a cat that will find himself in Tony’s House band. Bring your real book as those cats have already memorized theirs.

Rock / Blues:

There’s two I highly recommend –

Wednesday at Murph’s in Irondequoit with Nate Coffey – Nate plays everything and sings, he comes from a musical family with his father being a cornerstone of Rock/Blues in Rochester for decades and Nate carrying on the tradition. You will find cats that have played the big time in Manhattan (Eric Katerle as an example) to local talent that will blow your mind. If you show up with a tune in mind, chances are 99.9% that Nate and the band knows it and are ready to throw down with you and take you for a ride.

Nate Coffey

Throwing Down with Nate at The Landing
Photo Credit : Aaron Winters

Tuesdays at The Landing in Fairport similarly has a rocking vibe. I will credit this primarily to my friend and long-time rhythm-section partner in crime Ken Kahler on the drums. Make sure when your there to order a burger and then demand that the cook/owner Jimmy Gondoli comes out and jams too, as he is a monster guitarist.

Blues/Blues:

Tuesdays at PI’s on the West Side of town, Billy B. a mainstay artist in Rochester and Buffalo hosts this jam. His band rotates personnel but always includes some of the longest tenured musicians in the area including Dave Riccione, Danny Schmidt, Aleks Disjlenkovich, Wayne Naylor, Big Mike, Jason Smay, and McKinley James. This is a fun time to spectate as well as play at as the swing dancers love to come out and show off their moves

The Third Thursday of every month, Sticky Lips in Henrietta hosts Son House Night. You host Genesee Johnny, along with myself and Tim Brinduse open the first set, then Johnny usually brings in a featured act, and then finally opens it up for jamming. As the name suggests, this jam is focused on old style blues playing, we get lots of bottle-neck slide and finger-style players, and even regular mini-set from a solo artists on his double-neck cigar box guitar.

Rhythm and Blues / Soul:

Super Sunday Soul Jam:

This jam bounces from place to place, not even sure it’s still happening, but when it is Mitty Moore (The Dukes, Mitty and the Followers) hosts this amazing jam. John Dretto, the amazing 16 yr-old phenom fusion/blues guitarist makes a habit of showing here along with the famous Buzzo. The house band is amazing and the guests that show up will take you from funkytown to church in the matter of a few tunes.

 

There are other jams around town, check them out. This list represents the one’s I’m most likely to be found at because of the ‘hang’, the musicianship, and the food!

Happy Jamming!

Twisted Branch 100K, Amy’s journey from my vantage point.

I witnessed Twisted Branch from a trainer/crew perspective this year. Watching Amy work through this race to her cutoff at Italy Turnpike was impressive to say the least. The heat and humidity knocked out many a participant by that point, yet she arrived in great spirits with really only her feet holding her back. Able to walk, break down camp, and do 9 loads of laundry the next day tells me that her fueling, heat management, and  pacing were right on during a day that dropped many seasoned veterans.

She says, “I had no business being on that course,” with regard to her experience and standard pace, but I would disagree, and so would Scott Magee the Race Director. His mission statement,

“It is our mission is to provide a supported, safe, and challenging ultra-marathon event which showcases the Finger Lakes Trail System, the beautiful forests of upstate NY, and communities that surround the trail. We are committed to protecting the health of the Finger Lakes Trail system, as well as our relationship with the Finger Lakes Trails Conference, the NYS DEC, surrounding communities and the private landowners who make this trail and event possible.”

says it all. He isn’t putting on a race designed to only cater to elites, to people who have a chance at finishing, he is putting on an event that is safe, challenging, and showcases something amazing.

The safety lies within the supports he has built into the event with a medical adviser, aid stations approximately 6-7 miles apart, course markings, sweepers, even paramedics at 40 miles taking people’s vitals. Challenging includes challenging terrain and cutoffs for even the elite athletes which saw Daven Oskvig (2016 champion) break down at 39 miles and almost drop out but come back to life within the hour and take 3rd place. But also the cutoff of 8 hours at mile 28 (and over 6000’ of gain) presented novices with a challenge to work through the most hilly and scenic section of the course to obtain a goal. And then the showcase… The Bristol Hills Branch of the FLT takes one through Naples, Italy Valley, Branchport, Lake David, Urbana, and finally Hammondsport, through scenic Finger Lakes forests, wine and corn country, singletrack trail and beauty that is unmatched in NYS. I would say mission accomplished!

Now most who know me understand that I’m pretty opinionated about ultras. For the most part, I think there are races that appeal to all-comers, and races that appeal to seasoned veterans. I get upset when people sign up for a 100 miler only intending to run 50 miles of it and therefore take a spot from someone who wants to attempt all 100. I believe the qualification standards for Hardrock 100, Western States, Massanutten, Crewel Jewel etc. are all appropriate, and I do not believe that ultras are for everyone. This race is different. As of yet, it has failed to sell out and so I have no qualms about all-comers and even novices running it. Scott stresses in the mission and in action, that this is a safe event. This event offers an opportunity for runners who have run their local 50ks to test their meddle against what more storied ultras are like, and give them the opportunity to discover whether or not it is “for them”. This is an ultra that I believe teaches every participant something they didn’t know about themselves whether they finish it or not. It is an event, in what I believe the true spirit of the original ultra is, that tests one’s limits. A finish is not a given in this race, and that’s the point of ultra IMHO. To me this is the best ultra in the northeast because of this aspect and because of its mission.

So back to Amy; she had no illusion that she would finish this race. She had already run to Italy Turnpike twice before in training. Her original goal was to make that cutoff and finish at Bud Valley. She had to find an hour in that course based on her two previous training runs to make that cutoff and given the conditions, 90 degrees and humid, that was unlikely. So Amy changed her goal and focused on the more important one she had set for herself – to not be miserable and enjoy the course. And, while there were miserable moments, Shay Road, the experience was a win and she was happy with her day. She did find 40 minutes on the course as well! We then went on to other aid stations and the finish to cheer on our friends. Amy decided that this race was “not her bag” but was glad she experienced it. Lessons are still being learned post race.

For me there were more joys. I got to help Amy’s parents witness what she does. I am not sure they really understand, but they were out there cheering here on because they knew it was important to her, and evidently it may have inspired them to re-up their Y membership, or at least get out walking. Two of my kids accompanied us and camped through a storm. Sky was goofy and did his thing, but probably was more bored than he let on. Julius, on the other hand, got up at 4 AM and wanted to come along with me to crew and experience the event. He thought it was really cool and should be a televised or videoed event like the Tour de France, and he was most amazed at people’s attitudes when they had known they were missing a cutoff but seemed happy regardless, and the also the spirit of the people beat down by heat exhaustion or injury. I am so glad that both of them saw people pushing their limits and the joy that can be found in doing so. I don’t think ultra-running is ultimately something any of my kids will end up doing, but I do think the example of ultra-running is one that has taught them to push their limits in any endeavor they undertake.

Finally, I want to say, between the athletes, participants, volunteers, race director, pacers, crew, spectators, communities, etc. Ultra to me, especially this one, epitomizes what is right in the world. People genuinely care about each other out there. They work their hardest while accepting aid and help along the way, and offering help as well. They unite under a common endeavor and shared experience that transcends differences. They get it done and pick those up who didn’t. Even those who didn’t get it done pick up others who didn’t as well as those who did. I love this community.

Thank you Scott for organizing the experience.

Retraction, not voting 3rd party, but kind of am…

Really short

I have taken closer looks at platforms, campaign methods and candidates, and even though I live in NY and want more than two parties, I want to vote for a Third Party I believe in. Right now the Working Families Platform most reflects my beliefs… IT IS NOT PERFECT. I will be voting on that line, because their platform more closely conforms to my beliefs. So yes, it is kind of a Third-Party vote, but you find that all of the candidates on that line are also Democrats, so it isn’t a Third-Party vote. I’d welcome more independent candidates endorsed by WFP, so there’s that.

We Should Be More Critical…

… in our thinking. While loathe to say that in the current environment, and think we second-guess ourselves in unhealthy ways, am referring to a different type. Whatever first brings my emplo…

Source: We Should Be More Critical…

UPDATED: Why I am voting for a 3rd party presidential candidate and why you may or may not consider doing so yourself.

Go Here for Retraction : Retraction

 

“But you’re wasting your vote,” “Voting third party is a vote for Trump.”

Nope, I live in New York State. Right now Hillary is polling at 50.3% to Trump’s 33.6% in NYS. I can check these polls up to October, and if it changes to the point that Donald is within 5 points of Hillary, I will vote for Hillary. But as it stands, me voting for Hillary now works against my/our best interests of breaking the two-party system.

Now I have a lot of friends saying that if every Democrat in NYS did this then Trump would win NY. First, if we go with that actual hyperbole, if every Democrat voted Green in NYS then Jill Stein would win NY getting all of the Electoral votes in NY and preventing both Trump and Hillary from getting 270. That would be fun! Secondly, what kind of reach and influence do you think I really have? But if that is how you feel, okay, that assures me that my reach and opinion holds little sway and therefore Hillary will win NYS because too many people feel this way. Look, there is a 3 million vote buffer in NYS, do you really think that many democrats understand what getting a third party to 5% of the vote means? I didn’t think so.

But, to appease my friends in Blue States, let me then make the pitch to ALL Democrats and independents in Red States:  ID, MT, ND, SD, WY, UT, KS, TX (Primarily Texas), OK, MO, AR. AK, LA, MS, AL, TN, KY, IN, SC. Look, your vote for Hillary isn’t amounting to a hill(ary) of beans, you’re not beating Trump in those states. All Democrats voting Green in TX, TN, and IN alone would get the Greens to a 5% threshold. Your third party vote wouldn’t be a vote for Trump because you wouldn’t win anyhow; it would be a vote FOR breaking the two-party gridlock. GO OUT AND DO IT!

What about Battleground States? By all means, if you live in NV, AZ, CO, MN, IA, NE, WI, MI, OH, ME, NH, PA, VA, NC, GA, FL vote for Hillary, We can’t afford a Trump Presidency. Particularly if you live in PA, OH, MI, FL. Your third party vote in those states are a vote for Trump, this is bad.

“So you keep talking about this 5% Threshold Dan, what is that all about?”  The Federal Election Commission offers great perks for Political Parties that break this threshold. These include:

Since no third-party candidate received 5% of the vote in the 2008 presidential election, only the Republican and Democratic parties were eligible for 2012 convention grants, and only their nominees were eligible to receive grants for the general election once they were nominated. Third-party candidates could qualify for public funds retroactively if they received 5% or more of the vote in the general election.

So, this is NOT a protest vote. This is not a vote for Trump, and it is not a wasted vote for me. A write in becomes a wasted vote because unless the name is recognized by the federal commission it is discarded (A Bernie write in is a horrendous vote, it means NOTHING). This vote is a vote FOR something, not AGAINST something. This is a vote for viable alternatives to the two-party system which frankly has become a party on the right and another party on the far right.

I think we all can say that we are really fed up with politics as they are. I’ve heard many say that they will stay home because their vote “doesn’t matter” and in non-battleground states this is true for the Presidential election if you only vote Dem or Rep (Not so true about down ticket elections). So here is an opportunity to take on status-quo politics and make your vote matter.

Furthermore, many have said, and I agree, that third parties need to start at the local level then grow. This is true, third parties will be taken more seriously when you see them with records in government from Dog Catcher to Mayor to State Senator to Governor to Congressperson, but part of the effort to get those names and policies seen by voters come from funding at the federal level. This is why getting that national ticket to 5% helps the grass-roots effort of building a viable third party. So yes, I will be also voting down-ticket for people and policies I believe in. To be honest the Greens that have run locally are not good candidates, nor are they always better alternatives to the traditional parties, so I will vote my conscience in these local elections. That does not mean I won’t get involved and not have discussions with the local Greens. I would hope they would run some better candidates because I like their platform.

Also, I’ve heard that Jill Stein is not the best candidate. Let me be clear, I am not voting for the candidate, I am voting for the platform and I am voting for MORE DEMOCRACY by getting more voices in the public square. I do not agree 100% with the Green platform, but I believe it is better than the Democrat’s and the Republican’s platforms, and I believe it is important to have more voices in the process.

The final objection I’ll address is that having a Green Party just distills the Democrats and assures Republicans a win. Not so, It becomes an opportunity for Democrats to adopt planks in the Green Platform thereby eliminating the need for a Green Party. The same can be said on the other side of the equation with a socially liberal Libertarian Party forcing the GOP to adopt its planks. More voices = more democracy and greater representation, no matter how it happens.

So, when you fill out that card in November, I ask you to take a moment to think. Will my vote really matter in stopping Trump, or will I and the nation be better served by voting FOR more  voices in our democracy? The answer will be different for each person based on what you believe and more importantly by geography. I for one would like my NYS vote to mean something for a change.

 

TransParenting Intro

I battled with the idea to make this an entirely separate blog focusing on being the Dad of a transgender son, but decided that Live, Love, Listen is the appropriate place. This blog is about the things that are important to me, and the self-centered person I am, or maybe a the person I am who wants to see a better world for all thinks it should be important to you. So it remains here among my music, running, and humanist posts.

We recently came out publicly about our son, and now I find myself in a time of Listening. I’ve been overwhelmed since he came out to us, then to the family, then to his school, and now us coming out to everyone, and overwhelming expresses itself in form of depression for me. It has been a struggle, I’ve been overeating, not exercising, buying pop tarts and birthday cake fudge stripes. I’ve been binge-ing on Netflix, and distant. Fortunately I had to go to the ADK with Amy and that got me hiking.  And, fortunately, I am now in a place that I recognize my depression and the things I do to myself. So currently I’m engaging in running again, took a couple of my kids hiking at Stony Brook State Park, and getting to sleep a little earlier by only watching one Netflix episode of the many shows I’m following. I’ve got some gigs coming up too that I’m excited about. So I am engaging in taking care of myself. This is the result of learning how to listen, listen to others, my therapist, and my body/mind (sorry about the dualism there).

Other things I’m listening to are the responses to our coming out. (Names omitted):


– Sky is very lucky to have been born into such a kickass family. And hopefully the world is changing quickly enough that he won’t have to experience the hate and fear that his predecessors endured.

– I liked this post. If i could like it numerous times without it actaully unliking it i would..sending my love and support

– I have learned over the years that it is the most important thing to be yourself, and be true to yourself no matter what. Sky has done one of the best things for himself.

– Dan & Amy, I’ve yet to meet Sky, but I already adore him because he is your child & I do so appreciate the 2 of you. And I admire all 3 of you even more now. Count me among the legion surrounding you all with love and support. Bravo!

– I am truly impressed by you as parents stepping out into YOUR Authenticity. Many parents of a TrueGender child are not willing to join their child on the frontlines of their life in such a way

For those of us who are living in our Truegender, our actions are acutely tied to the support system that embraces or expels us. We have known who we are for a longer time than those in the ever widening circle of our lives and our choice to Reveal and live our True Life should be as simple as pulling back the curtain. Sadly, that is not possible in every community. Sky will benefit from your continued Unconditional Love and he will also thrive in the local LGBTQ community and the larger public community of Upstate NY, which is exceptional in its acceptance of gender diversity. Sadly, locality and environment really do impact our progress and future success in realizing our intentions. I honor you, Dan and Amy, for YOUR commitment to transition in YOUR life as Sky approaches a fuller understanding of his own challenges.

For my part, I can attest to experiencing no external pushback which has been instrumental in my own measure of Self Confidence in processing what I need to and proceeding to actualize my hopes, dreams and ambitions. Continued therapeutic guidance has been essential for me to staying on track, but I am sure you and Sky are well aware of its benefits, judging by the strong United front you present.

My sister is an active board member of PFLAG in Chicago and force of nature in the LGBTQ community there. If you haven’t already, I invite you to join PFLAG and add your energy to its mission. We are also blessed by having the Gay Alliance of Greater Rochester and The Empty Closet as such a strong resources locally.

The timing of this announcement could not be better timed, coming just before our annual Pride Celebration. I will not soon forget being a Pride Parade participant months after I initiated my full disclosure and experiencing the love and affirmation radiating from the sidewalks 2 years ago. For me, after decades of self-imposed suppression it was a triumphant tear-filled coming home at last. I can only hope Sky feels the same welcome I experienced and banks that joyous validation.

Please accept my offer of availability to you and Sky, should you need counsel, confirmation and companionship on your journey. We are all pioneers, representatives of a larger Global initiative that invites every Human Being on the planet to live Out Loud, Unapologetically as who we really are and embrace the opportunity to evolve to a new level of Human Understanding and in the process, Change the World.

– I don’t often love facebook posts, but, when I do, I love facebook posts.

– He is so lucky to have you. You must have created a loving and supportive environment for him to be so brave, so young. Congratulations.

– Congratulaions on the freedom this will bring for him. You should be so proud of him. And what great parents to be so supportive (as it should be).

– His ability to be comfortable in his own skin and willingness to share this with others stems from your acceptance of who your children are and allowing them to be themselves. And loving them all the same. I hope my girls will feel this love from us too as this is the most important job as parents. Nice work, Dan. And your Sky is a little brighter today.

These fill me with hope. But I still get stuck and look for the bad; like digging to see who hasn’t “liked” our post, and routing out all of the anti-LBGTQ news, and recognizing that the Pope believes the Church should ask for forgiveness but refuses to change doctrine. Still, even with all the negative, I look at court cases, I look at responses to my post, I look at the great State of NY (We are fortunate to live in the Greater Rochester Area which has been called the San Francisco of the East), I look at the rest of the country, and I am convinced at times that the war has been won. What we are witnessing is the last, desperate dying cries of bigoted people hiding behind their “Holy Books” while the majority of us see right through their thin veneer.

Yes, Trump, the GOP, and Religion are still extremely dangerous to the health and safety of the LGBTQ community, but the courts are ruling with us, public sentiment is on our side and we will win. Remember that vitriol was just as intense during the Civil Rights fight, and even though we still live in a racist society, the laws were changed and the Civil Rights war is won with constant changes to make things better, and we all know who the bad guys were. We are witnessing this again, and if I believe the arc of the universe curves toward justice, “We Shall Overcome” again.

But this doesn’t happen by declaring “victory” and sitting on our laurels, we must continue and take the fight to them. It is time to stop playing defense and start asserting our rights, our strongly held beliefs that are in line with human rights, not religious rights. And demand that others’ rights to discriminate end at the boundaries of the church yard.

 

Coming Out

Today I follow the lead of my most amazing child, and with his permission, share some news. My son Sky, who you may have previously known as Shira, chose the brave path of coming out to our family as transgendered at his 13th birthday party.  Following the sharing with family, he again chose to do something no other student in his district has done, and courageously individually addressed each of his classes to share his new name and respectfully request that going forward his classmates and teachers use his name and the pronouns “he, him, his”.  Saddened by a world that makes it so that my child needs to be brave simply to be who he is, we hope that by our love and support, and continued efforts to use empathy and kindness for ALL human beings, things will get better.  We chose this method of communication so that we could begin important dialogue if needed and because we do not feel the need to “come out” to each person we encounter individually. We understand that there are risks associated and are fully willing to handle whatever comes next in support of him.
A few things our family (including Sky) would like you to know:
1. If you’ve met him, you already know that Sky is an amazing, bright human being with incredible gifts of empathy, humor, and kindness. Most recently he has found joy in supporting dramatic performance as a back stage crew, having supported the high school production while just in 7th grade.  Being transgendered male is only one part of his identity and we all ask that you do not lose sight of the WHOLE awesome human he is.  If you have not met him, you are in for a treat when you do.  We also ask that you use the name Sky, and the male pronouns.  Sky understands that this may be difficult at first because of what you may be used to.
2. We will try to answer whatever appropriate questions we can. Note, we are not experts in this field and won’t have all of the answers to questions you may have. I would recommend utilizing resources at The Gay Alliance of the Genesee Valley (GAGV), Genesee Valley Gender Variants (GVGV, or GV2), or a library as we also won’t have time to be your personal researchers on this topic. We respectfully ask that you use validated sources and not just rely on what someone randomly tells you about what transgender is or isn’t. A few places to start: 
3. We will NOT answer personal questions about transitioning (hormones, surgeries, etc).  This is not anyone else’s business. 
4. Please do not “feel sorry” for us if you think this is an affliction, if your personal beliefs tell you this is “wrong”, that someone of his age couldn’t know, etc.  All of these sentiments represent a lack of acceptance for a fellow human being. You may feel sorry for us if you are sorry that we have to live in a decidedly LGBTQ-phobic society. I would ask that rather than feeling sorry, you actively participate in making our society more LGBTQ affirmative and accepting.
Thanks in advance for your love and acceptance.
-Dan and Amy

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