What Are You Made Of?
3 days out from my second DNF of the year for missing cut-off times at ultras, the question, “What are you made of?” has been running through my mind. Yet it is never a question that runs through my mind while I’m running ultras. I find this curious.
So let’s examine my more recent DNF’s. Last year in September I dropped from doing the Monster Marathon (Full) at the half-way mark, why, because I was tired and didn’t care. Later in October I rolled my ankle at 5 miles and DNF’d the Danby Down & Dirty 20K at the 10K mark, I wasn’t really into that race either. The problem in both of those cases was that my head was not in a place that gave respect to what it takes to complete those races and I quit mentally long before my body quit. I can even say this with regard to Danby because my lack of respect for the course resulted in not taking proper precautions and care of my foot placement; respect that should have been a given knowing this course very well.
This year I DNF’d Massanutten Mountain 100 miler just shy of 70 miles because I missed a cut-off. I was exhausted, couldn’t move fast, my feet were destroyed, and I wasn’t fit enough to go the distance in the time required. All that said, even though I questioned myself at times regarding whether I could go on, I did not leave the course until I was told I had to.
3 days ago, I missed the last aid station cut-off at Twisted Branch Trail Run 100K by just over a ½ hour. I was running into that station, trying to get there and move on. I had enough reserves in the bank to go the extra 6.5 miles but I did not have the time and I was pulled again. During this run I was questioning around the 40 mile mark whether I was capable of pulling off these harder races, and trying to decide whether I should continue attempting them, but I never stopped moving forward (except a few times on climbs to prevent my heart from bursting out of my chest). I think I even pulled one person out of the second to last aid station with me with the minimal/impossible hope of making the last cut-off. I deferred the decision about trying to attempt more of these things until I had some time away from this event.
Now that there has been some time, 3 days, and one recovery run, 3.25 miles, I see that my mind and body are both still working. That actually my mind is stronger now than it was last fall, because it didn’t question the idea of whether or not to move forward even though it was questioning other things. That my body is more durable than I thought, because in comparison to most other runners I know who attempted Twisted Branch I was one of two who actually put together a recovery run yesterday (that I saw) and the other one was the 2nd place finisher.
So last night, while talking to Amy about Haliburton Forest 50 Miler, her first attempt at a 50 coming up in two weeks, we got on the Haliburton board on Facebook and I agreed to pace a 4 time Badwater finisher through the night of the 100M race after crewing Amy for her 50. I am also sweeping the last 25 miles of the hardest 100 miler (Virgil Crest Ultras) in the Northeast US the following weekend. I think I have also determined that I will shoot for the Mendon 50K in November and take it seriously, unlike what I did with Monster and Danby last fall. Because:
right now, that is what I’m made of
These past two DNF’s on the hardest courses I have ever run, showed me a resilience I haven’t seen in myself in a while. It’s a trait I like. They have shown me a mental fortitude that has been lacking in areas and times of my life recently, and I can learn to apply that in other areas. They have shown me unconditional support from a community that celebrates what we do accomplish on a day and helps break down how to do it better the next time. I crave community even though I’m a loud introvert that tends to push people away. Interestingly enough, the inability to finish these last two events have shown me what I have working for me as opposed to what is working against me.
Do I know what I’m going to do next year? Will I attempt MMT100 or Twisted Branch again? I don’t know yet, What I do know is that I won’t shy away from long endurance treks that allow me to be outdoors and allow me to challenge my misconceptions about myself.
What do you have that’s working for you? What are you made of?